Oddball Limericks



Most audience members cried “Shame!”

When Vaslav, Diaghilev’s flame,

Defiled the veil

In a pastoral tale.

But wankers were happy they came.



While posing above an abyss,

Poor Oscar said something amiss –

A damnably glib

Sodomitical fib:

“The boy was too ugly to kiss.”



A savvy old sapphist named Gertie,

Considered by many too wordy,

Dashed off the Life

Of Toklas, her wife,

While leaving out everything dirty.



All those who love stunners with smarts –

If not in real life, in the arts –

Should go to a show

By surreal Cocteau.

The guy gave Jean all the best parts.



Fag-haggery sure worked out well –

For Duncan, that is. As for Bell:

A broken down heart

And second-rate art

Bloomsburied by critics from hell.



“Helping her cousin on wheels

Broker a couple of deals

Made the first lady

A little tribade-y,”

Eleanor chronicler squeals.



Architect Mies van der Rohe

Told Philip to put on a show:

“A house made of glass,

Surrounded by grass

Some stripling would then have to mow.”



“Atonal is straight, tonal gay,”

Claim students of Miss Boulanger.

“Take little Ned:

Even in bed

He’d carry a tune all the way.”



Folk with a fondness for rock

Underwent rather a shock,

Hearing young Janis

Sound like a man is:

Throaty, and chock full o’ cock.



After couture worn by Twiggy,

Who might have dared getting jiggy?

Not women with fat,

Who unlike Ms. Sprat

Would rather look lean than seem piggy.



A factory worker, named Andy,

Drew dead stuff that perverts found dandy.

He’d cheat, though, a bit,

With slides then backlit.

“So darling!” said co-worker Candy.



Would anyone fantasize sex

With he-men completely convex

Had Arnold not stumped

For muscles as pumped

As Austrian glutes, quads, and pecs?



Having been raised as a prude,

Julia got wed, then got lewd.

Hubbie now tips,

Licking his lips,

“Why don’t you get cordon bleu-ed?”



A tennis-mad trannie recalls

Some ref causing media squalls

By banning his play

As Doctor “Renée”

And saying she’s really got balls.



A power-crazed prof who knew Greek,

Apparently phallicly weak,

Told an old Brahman

With insight uncommon:

“I can’t make my subaltern shriek.”



A spankable critic named Eve

Wrote books that made homophobes heave.

She’d give them depictions

Of anal addictions

That showed them how not to conceive.



The queerness of opera queen Wayne

Arose from his feeling the pain

Of diva roles juicy

As Lammermoor’s Lucy –

A bride who was bloody insane.



A plague, during youth, of some tics –

From lisping to taking one’s licks –

Made David compose

Satirical prose

On pussies and assholes and dicks.

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