Oddball Limericks

nijinsky

NIJINSKY

Most audience members cried “Shame!”

When Vaslav, Diaghilev’s flame,

Defiled the veil

In a pastoral tale.

But wankers were happy they came.

***

WILDE

While posing above an abyss,

Poor Oscar said something amiss –

A damnably glib

Sodomitical fib:

“The boy was too ugly to kiss.”

***

STEIN

A savvy old sapphist named Gertie,

Considered by many too wordy,

Dashed off the Life

Of Toklas, her wife,

While leaving out everything dirty.

***

MARAIS

All those who love stunners with smarts –

If not in real life, in the arts –

Should go to a show

By surreal Cocteau.

The guy gave Jean all the best parts.

***

GRANT

Fag-haggery sure worked out well –

For Duncan, that is. As for Bell:

A broken down heart

And second-rate art

Bloomsburied by critics from hell.

***

ROOSEVELT

“Helping her cousin on wheels

Broker a couple of deals

Made the first lady

A little tribade-y,”

Eleanor chronicler squeals.

***

JOHNSON

Architect Mies van der Rohe

Told Philip to put on a show:

“A house made of glass,

Surrounded by grass

Some stripling would then have to mow.”

***

ROREM

“Atonal is straight, tonal gay,”

Claim students of Miss Boulanger.

“Take little Ned:

Even in bed

He’d carry a tune all the way.”

***

JOPLIN

Folk with a fondness for rock

Underwent rather a shock,

Hearing young Janis

Sound like a man is:

Throaty, and chock full o’ cock.

***

LAWSON

After couture worn by Twiggy,

Who might have dared getting jiggy?

Not women with fat,

Who unlike Ms. Sprat

Would rather look lean than seem piggy.

***

WARHOL

A factory worker, named Andy,

Drew dead stuff that perverts found dandy.

He’d cheat, though, a bit,

With slides then backlit.

“So darling!” said co-worker Candy.

***

SCHWARZENEGGER

Would anyone fantasize sex

With he-men completely convex

Had Arnold not stumped

For muscles as pumped

As Austrian glutes, quads, and pecs?

***

CHILD

Having been raised as a prude,

Julia got wed, then got lewd.

Hubbie now tips,

Licking his lips,

“Why don’t you get cordon bleu-ed?”

***

RICHARDS

A tennis-mad trannie recalls

Some ref causing media squalls

By banning his play

As Doctor “Renée”

And saying she’s really got balls.

***

FOUCAULT

A power-crazed prof who knew Greek,

Apparently phallicly weak,

Told an old Brahman

With insight uncommon:

“I can’t make my subaltern shriek.”

***

SEDGWICK

A spankable critic named Eve

Wrote books that made homophobes heave.

She’d give them depictions

Of anal addictions

That showed them how not to conceive.

***

KOESTENBAUM

The queerness of opera queen Wayne

Arose from his feeling the pain

Of diva roles juicy

As Lammermoor’s Lucy –

A bride who was bloody insane.

***

SEDARIS

A plague, during youth, of some tics –

From lisping to taking one’s licks –

Made David compose

Satirical prose

On pussies and assholes and dicks.

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